I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
