she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
