i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
