Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
