Where are you?
In a non slutty way
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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