We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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