Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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