trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Even my vagina gasped.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
