I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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