I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
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That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
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Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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