so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
