If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
