i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
