Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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