my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
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he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
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I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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