My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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