i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
