Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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