I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
