Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
