I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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