Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
