I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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