I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
