I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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