weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
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