At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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