woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
