If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
