now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
