People in love make me want to vomit
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
please don't ironically join a cult
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