Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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