it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
