I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
