I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.