there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
