Well douche your snatch and let's go!
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
