I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Found the puke drawer
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
