So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
