I can text with my tongue
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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