Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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