I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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