I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
