I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
