i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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