I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Randomize
