I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
