Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
