Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
