Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
