why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
