I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
