I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
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She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
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Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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