life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
