Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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